The shooting dream

I don't dream very often or at least i dont remember my dream once i wake up.  Most of the time when i sleep it feels like it was just one big long blink.  But when i do dream it feels very realistic and significant.
A dream i had recently that has had a reuccring them not continusously, but just keeps popping up involved a gun.  Before i have had dreams where i have had to use a gun inorder to protect someone, or had to be the super secret agent guy killing all the bad guys and save the girl.  But a few of the dreams that i remember have ben me just dreaming as though i was in going through a day in my life.  Waking up, getting ready going to class then going somewhere to just relax or have some fun.  Then for some reason, i dont know what but i just become agitated, as though i have gotten into a fight with someone and i have to protect myself.  Then all of a sudden gun would randomly appear in my hand out of nowhere.  Every time i would go to aim and shoot, i couldn't.

In my dream i would pull the trigger, but it felt like something was jamming it or just felt very stiff or the gun wouldn't fire like it was out or ammo or missed fired.  But the odd thing is i have never experienced any of these, i have never even held a gun before and the closest i have come to holding one was a toy gun or a BB gun.  But in my dream i was holding assualt rifles, hand guns, shotguns & machine guns.  i have never really know what it would be like to hold a gun and fire it.  Yet in this one dream that i had a few weeks back it wasn't the same as before, but i was in the same scenario.  Just going through my day as i would usually only this time i was faced with two figures both holding guns.  I dont know what exactly happened but i managed to get one of the down the gun away from the other, but as i didn't he pulled his side arm.  As he aimed at me i pulled the trigger and rather then nothing happening the gun went off and fired rounds into him killing him, but not before he managed to get two round off and hitting me in my abdomen.

Sometimes from this experience i would usually wake up but i didn't, i didn't even die in the dream i was fine.  it was as though nothing had happened, yet i walked around in my dream with two bullet holes in me.  Then i woke up i couldn't stop feeling my abdomen for almost the whole day, thinking maybe it wasn't a dream.  I didn't know what to make of it so i choose to look it up why i would dream about getting shot and still live.  I found, through some online research, getting shot meant that it was self punishment, or that i was feeling guilty or feeling stress.  though i was feeling seriously stressed at the time and it explain why i was shot in my dream but why i didn't die or why walked around bug me and i still haven't been able to really figure it out.  Especially since, why all of sudden after having dreams firing gun and nothing happening i have one where it works.  I feel that i could have been an indication that i wasn't ready for it, that i wasn't up to the responsiblity.  But now i feel like i am, like i can do anything and shouldn't hold back, either in a dream or in life.  Either a choice we make in a dream or in life has an impact and we have to take the time to decide with a clear head what to do and step up to it and hide behind the shadows.

The part we take and hate.

Sometime we just choose to accept a job duty because it is can be part of the job description.  That can make it required, such as being a loan analyst.  Most of the time you expect just to get the basic information, dates, numbers, credit info or history, the current information, whether or not they meet the rules. Then we unexpectedly get a letter that explains why they haven't been able to pay.  They explain that they have been suffered a death in the family, how they have suffer, just story that can get a person to have some sympathy and let the person off from the burden that they took place.  This is where that conflict comes into play, we have to basically decide whether or not we believe their story is true, and approve, or a lie, and deny them.  It takes a tool because sometime you deny the ones that tell the truth because you know they don't meet a certain criteria.  It tends to get to you but you have to let it ago and continue with the job.

Since it was what I agreed to do I have to come to terms with it, even if it means developing a bit of a cold heart?  If you look at the short term, there is no personal sense of satisfaction or self worth.  I thought I would honestly be helping people but it turned out that I would be dealing more with incompetence and let down.  There really isn't much that you can take away and say to someone "look I turned Joe somebody down because they didn't have the required documents.  High five!!!"  The only thing that you can do is just to let it go and let be because it has happened and move on to the next person.  I feel that the long term matter more than the short term, depending on the situation.  Take work for example, if you work for say a Big four company, your dream is to reach a management position or some higher up position.  The manager just choose to quit and you're in line for that spot,  you got the qualification, the people the you will work for like you as well as everybody in the office.  There is just one catch; in order for you to be promoted you have to fire somebody that you have come to know.  You know their kids, wife, family, almost their entire life, yet you have to fire him.  You don't know what to do, it's the job you have wanted, a chance to be successful, career wise, and you can make your own hours, have a little bit more lavish life.

At that moment you choose to fire the person, you feel horrible about it but sometimes in the job market it's required because it's a dog eat dog world.  You have to fight and take what it is you can to move up the ladder and try to at least enjoy life while you can.  Other than that, some time some job duties are meant to prepare you for what you will deal with if you do go up the job ladder in a company or choose to work for yourself.  Your ethics do take a back seat at time because the world is never really ethical and you have to swallow your pride and just take a stab in the unknown in hope that it will help you later in life.  In an ethical world feel right about every decision you made, but if you were in an unethical world you would probably never reach your dreams or your dreams may take longer to reach.

Decision making turns from thinking of other to think about you.  I think that at time when we have to decide other from ourselves, we choose ourselves because it is the easiest person to look after.  You know what is you want, you need, what is best for yourself.  But making a decision that affects another person’s life is difficult.  Sometime we just choose to go with the flow and just follow along and hope that there is some benefit from making crap decision such as firing a friend, denying a loan that has a story behind it.  Other times we have no choice, we just have to do it because it is what we are required to do it.