The shooting dream

I don't dream very often or at least i dont remember my dream once i wake up.  Most of the time when i sleep it feels like it was just one big long blink.  But when i do dream it feels very realistic and significant.
A dream i had recently that has had a reuccring them not continusously, but just keeps popping up involved a gun.  Before i have had dreams where i have had to use a gun inorder to protect someone, or had to be the super secret agent guy killing all the bad guys and save the girl.  But a few of the dreams that i remember have ben me just dreaming as though i was in going through a day in my life.  Waking up, getting ready going to class then going somewhere to just relax or have some fun.  Then for some reason, i dont know what but i just become agitated, as though i have gotten into a fight with someone and i have to protect myself.  Then all of a sudden gun would randomly appear in my hand out of nowhere.  Every time i would go to aim and shoot, i couldn't.

In my dream i would pull the trigger, but it felt like something was jamming it or just felt very stiff or the gun wouldn't fire like it was out or ammo or missed fired.  But the odd thing is i have never experienced any of these, i have never even held a gun before and the closest i have come to holding one was a toy gun or a BB gun.  But in my dream i was holding assualt rifles, hand guns, shotguns & machine guns.  i have never really know what it would be like to hold a gun and fire it.  Yet in this one dream that i had a few weeks back it wasn't the same as before, but i was in the same scenario.  Just going through my day as i would usually only this time i was faced with two figures both holding guns.  I dont know what exactly happened but i managed to get one of the down the gun away from the other, but as i didn't he pulled his side arm.  As he aimed at me i pulled the trigger and rather then nothing happening the gun went off and fired rounds into him killing him, but not before he managed to get two round off and hitting me in my abdomen.

Sometimes from this experience i would usually wake up but i didn't, i didn't even die in the dream i was fine.  it was as though nothing had happened, yet i walked around in my dream with two bullet holes in me.  Then i woke up i couldn't stop feeling my abdomen for almost the whole day, thinking maybe it wasn't a dream.  I didn't know what to make of it so i choose to look it up why i would dream about getting shot and still live.  I found, through some online research, getting shot meant that it was self punishment, or that i was feeling guilty or feeling stress.  though i was feeling seriously stressed at the time and it explain why i was shot in my dream but why i didn't die or why walked around bug me and i still haven't been able to really figure it out.  Especially since, why all of sudden after having dreams firing gun and nothing happening i have one where it works.  I feel that i could have been an indication that i wasn't ready for it, that i wasn't up to the responsiblity.  But now i feel like i am, like i can do anything and shouldn't hold back, either in a dream or in life.  Either a choice we make in a dream or in life has an impact and we have to take the time to decide with a clear head what to do and step up to it and hide behind the shadows.

The part we take and hate.

Sometime we just choose to accept a job duty because it is can be part of the job description.  That can make it required, such as being a loan analyst.  Most of the time you expect just to get the basic information, dates, numbers, credit info or history, the current information, whether or not they meet the rules. Then we unexpectedly get a letter that explains why they haven't been able to pay.  They explain that they have been suffered a death in the family, how they have suffer, just story that can get a person to have some sympathy and let the person off from the burden that they took place.  This is where that conflict comes into play, we have to basically decide whether or not we believe their story is true, and approve, or a lie, and deny them.  It takes a tool because sometime you deny the ones that tell the truth because you know they don't meet a certain criteria.  It tends to get to you but you have to let it ago and continue with the job.

Since it was what I agreed to do I have to come to terms with it, even if it means developing a bit of a cold heart?  If you look at the short term, there is no personal sense of satisfaction or self worth.  I thought I would honestly be helping people but it turned out that I would be dealing more with incompetence and let down.  There really isn't much that you can take away and say to someone "look I turned Joe somebody down because they didn't have the required documents.  High five!!!"  The only thing that you can do is just to let it go and let be because it has happened and move on to the next person.  I feel that the long term matter more than the short term, depending on the situation.  Take work for example, if you work for say a Big four company, your dream is to reach a management position or some higher up position.  The manager just choose to quit and you're in line for that spot,  you got the qualification, the people the you will work for like you as well as everybody in the office.  There is just one catch; in order for you to be promoted you have to fire somebody that you have come to know.  You know their kids, wife, family, almost their entire life, yet you have to fire him.  You don't know what to do, it's the job you have wanted, a chance to be successful, career wise, and you can make your own hours, have a little bit more lavish life.

At that moment you choose to fire the person, you feel horrible about it but sometimes in the job market it's required because it's a dog eat dog world.  You have to fight and take what it is you can to move up the ladder and try to at least enjoy life while you can.  Other than that, some time some job duties are meant to prepare you for what you will deal with if you do go up the job ladder in a company or choose to work for yourself.  Your ethics do take a back seat at time because the world is never really ethical and you have to swallow your pride and just take a stab in the unknown in hope that it will help you later in life.  In an ethical world feel right about every decision you made, but if you were in an unethical world you would probably never reach your dreams or your dreams may take longer to reach.

Decision making turns from thinking of other to think about you.  I think that at time when we have to decide other from ourselves, we choose ourselves because it is the easiest person to look after.  You know what is you want, you need, what is best for yourself.  But making a decision that affects another person’s life is difficult.  Sometime we just choose to go with the flow and just follow along and hope that there is some benefit from making crap decision such as firing a friend, denying a loan that has a story behind it.  Other times we have no choice, we just have to do it because it is what we are required to do it. 

A simple wish by daru

Daru is, I don't want to say my favorite character, but the more likable one.  From the beginning of the story it seemed as though he was only interested in the simple life.  He lived in a semi-secluded life, just himself and the students he taught.   It seems as though he is searching for a less complicated life away from all the problems that he didn't believe had to do with him; where he only needs to worry about himself and not others, since he mostly felt like an exile.  When Balducci came along with the prisoner, the Arab, to me it seemed as though he could tell his simple life would be complicated and nuisanced with a so called calling to follow orders.  When Balducci, arrived and allowed the Arab to settle in, Daru didn’t share the same hate.  Instead, he saw the Arab, not as a tool to obtain information to be simply discarded and left to fend for himself once he no longer became necessary.  Daru saw him as an actual human being, one that lives, breathes and feels.  In the one night that he was in Daru's care he treated him as an actual guest, feeding him, giving him a bed and allowing him to be free, to move around the house and basically do as he pleased.

However, as much as Daru felt to treat the Arab objectively, outside of any obligation from having to side with some ideal and instantly judging him, he thought of him as the nuisance in his life, just because of what he has been ordered to do.  He constantly thought, wished and practically gave a chance for the Arab to escape.  It was clear from when Balducci gave him the order to take him to headquarter, Daru didn’t want to.  Then again when he just let the Arab go, when they were not even close enough, to give assurance that he would go, to the headquarters.  He put a lot of faith that the Arab would do the right thing for himself. 

Daru was a man of respect, faith and simple man.   He didn’t really care for much that didn’t benefit him or cause much trouble in his life.  He just wanted to be isolated, away from all the problems.  Yet no matter where he could go, trouble always found him and that he would pay for always being involved in something he didn’t believe. 

Listen to what they say

     In January, I had to move because the old house was closing.  So i began my search, luckily i had a friend that was looking for a new place so we decided that we might as well just try looking and see if we could find something and split a room.  We did and i was excited even though i wasn't really showing it.  He and i got along great at first, same with my other two roommates.  But then after a few weeks of living with him i just started to find that he became annoying and just lazy and not really motivated.  He would always be sleeping and always complained that he was tired.  I never understood what he was tired of always sleeping, never working only going to school, he was always on the internet doing nothing.  By the end of the semester i started to become extremely annoyed to the point where i just didn't want to share the room with him and looked forward to the weekends when he choose to go home.  It basically got to the point where i didn't consider him a friend, just someone i  had to live with until i could live with someone else.  Because of this, i started making joke about him, as he did of me the first few weeks after the move-in.  I never intended to hurt him but sometimes i knew i pushed the limit between having just fun and being rude and mean.  So i apologized when i did.  Even then when it seemed all good, calm and peaceful, it wasn't really. i was still fed up with his laziness, egotistical and him constantly thinking highly of himself.  

     Then one day i just couldn't take it, i choose to confront him about and rip him a new and tell him to take more responsibility.  While i waited, for him to return from wherever he was, I dwelled on my decision to confront him and i changed my mind right as he walk through the door.  It wasn't for a lack of confrontation, I mean i usually don't like to start fights or arguments so i try to avoid them if it is possible.  But just looking at it from his point of view, I thought to myself "what is he going through and what has he gone through?"  Then I remember that the semester before he had to leave school for a bit right as he began to settle-in to his new life.  Now he didn't withdraw because he couldn't handle it, he withdrew because his father had suffered a heart-attack and died a few days later.  He and his family had suffered a great lose and it dawned on me that his constant tiredness, lack of energy and constant sleeping was due to him being depressed and that he had been in mourning.  Then i thought to myself "what if this happened to me?"  Just thinking like that really opened my eyes and I no longer felt anger, annoyance or really joked that much about him as much anymore.  I felt compassion and understood a little more about him.

   Just learning to step back from that situation taught me to really step back in all of my relationships.  Most of the time before i thought it was straight forward and i would assume something about my friend, family, co-worker or who ever.  There will always be a time when i will face someone who annoys me because of what they do but i just can't let deter me from being able to work with them and becoming a better person.  Most relationship, aside from just girlfriend & boyfriends, require that you take a chance in order to make them work.  I have faced met many people where i thought they were only, i assumed they were something but after a while i learned they weren't.  So that experience with my friend/roommate allowed me to see that first impression aren't always the last impression.  Things about people do change and we have to accept that and work with them and in order to do that you have to build trust first and have faith in the person to open up  and break down the wall that protects them.  then we have to love and cheerish what they expose and treat as our own otherwise all we en up casuing them is hurt and pain and force them to close up again.                                   

     If someone chooses to trust me with a secret, something so very personal i choose not to tell anyone because i have seen people hurt over that.  It also takes a great deal for someone to earn that much trust, but it takes a great deal more to maintain it.  I never really had any friends who could trust me, tell me secrets, choose to come to me when they need to open up.  To feel that trust connection is something i cherish down to my very heart and soul.  But i try not to leave it to just friends because stranger, people from all walks of life need just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.  Then maybe i can understand them better and have meaningful relationships.

Never too late for the moments

     A song that is resonating in my mind and constitutes a virtue I am trying to embrace is "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace. When I first heard this song liked it because of the guitar, the way it started; slow and steady, almost creating a relaxing yet still restless feeling.  Like the calm before the storm.  I think what was intended was that no matter how calm someone may seem they are in fact fighting their own demons.  Then it builds up, with the bass guitar and drums, then it goes back to only the acoustic guitar and drums in the background; to symbolize that a person may begin to battle and confront the demons and struggle until they reach the end. Never calm always fighting.   Adam, the singer of the group and on guitar, sings "maybe we'll turn it all around.  It's not too late it's never too late."  I think it means that no matter how down we feel, or how bad life may get or even if it is at a serious low point, you can still make amends and rebound .  I am not just saying apologize if you hurt someone but also forgive those who have hurt you so that you can begin to forgive yourself.  To begin to turn your life around into something you may have missed and to at least make up for what you have lost as best you can.  

Chances are it wont be easy, there will be speed bumps that make it seem as though giving up would be a better option; but better for whom? 

     Alan Watts makes a point that rather just focus on the end goal, work hard to get there and only find out that is was all for nothing is not what we should pursue.  Sometime it's the speed bumps in life that make us stronger, forcing us to slow down and enjoy what we have done so far because sometime looking back on what was good and what was bad lets us enjoy the note we are on.  If we are to only zip through life and not take the time to appreciate all the work we have done then what is the point of getting to the finish line or the end of the composition?  We have to get in the mindset of valuing not the goal, even though it is important but the journey.  No matter how hard it may be, how many times we fall, almost give up, we need to keep pushing forward.  To get back up, sometimes ask for a little help and eventually we do get through it, step by step, day by day.  

     The virtue that i have been trying to understand is that in order to keeping moving along we have to forgive ourselves and other for the mistakes that have hurt.   As difficult as it may be that be eve if there was great pain involved.  To be honest i can see why most people can  hold a grudge and even be mad at the situation or person that caused it.  But sometimes playing the blame game will only go so far in reasoning what has happened.  Such as the music video, when we see the little girl and and older female.  The first thing that popped into my head was that they are the same person probably because of a shared traumatic experience.   But i wasn't quite sure, yet even if they are not, Three Days Grace, might have intended to send the same message.  In the beginning of the video you can clearly see that they go from a state of joy to a sudden state of depression and pain.  But then somehow an angel, not like angel we have come to know, a different angel; which can represent the will to overcome and forgive.  They finally began to let go of the person or situation that hurt them, fight their inner demons, shed the masked that covered their true potential and become who they are. 

     Eventually, when it come down to it, we have to forgive and it is never too late to reach our true potential, escape our cave and explore who we are.  To be, not the calm before the storm but the moment in which we reach the ultimate calm and feel satisfied with life, enjoying it little moment..  The songs goes from the storm to the satisfied feeling, as it goes from just the guitar with Adam singing, then him with drums in the background  then ending on him and the guitar.  
     I feel the lyrics are true "it's never too late"  to be who we really, to get what we have always wanted from life, rather  regret all that we have missed once we have reach the end of our journey.  Then maybe we can begin to enjoy the music that is our life.  After all it will not be what other expect us to do.  Everybody has their composition that are being composed everyday by every moment, every lesson and every experience.  If we were all similar then the music we create would not be any good but be just a deafening tone.  We are who we are, lives will be different and by embracing them maybe we can really enjoy the goal and not feel like we got left with an empty bag. 


     I sometimes feel that my bag will be empty because all i am doing is rushing and not enjoying what is going on around me not really enjoying the life i have with the people i am with.  The song make me stop and think about what i have done, what i might do so that i can be more in the moment and enjoy it.  Perhaps even feel as though i will no longer feel like an shell empty.  Then hopefully once I get to the goal I will have turned  everything around, reached the potential that dwells in me and no longer blame other for what they have done and it's rippling effects.  After all, i can't just stop and play the blame game if i want to enjoy my music and dance to the notes.  

Ominous Feeling.

My favorite song was "Building Steam with a Grain of Salt."  Most of the time the very first song of the album is what determines whether or not I like the artist or the any of his music at all.  It is sort of harsh way to judge the artist but I have found that it works. 

The reason I like this song was how it has an ominous, dark feel; it creates a mysterious atmosphere which is continued through the entire song.  I think that it was a great way for DJ Shadow to have this as his first song because it really plays into his own personality and how he rarely ever makes appearance and interviews.  It mirrors his personality and how he would be preferred to be seen as a channel for as he called it "the dream” and to teach others.  He wants to be known and remember for what he did, not for who he was, remember for his contribution to music and not as a person people obsess over.  I think that his dream could be that music can bring the world together in peace or at least closer to peace.  Perhaps to at least able to make people realize that the world is bigger and more important then our own little problems. 

Since music can be a channel to express a problem that is hurting the artist themselves or otherwise hurting the world; such as Tupac Shakur did by using an  acronym for his tattoo.  Most people thought it was just slang to express how he had a hard time growing up and only to express his tough life but, it was  to express the tough life that many children suffer.  THUG LIFE (T.he H.ate U G.ive L.ittle I.nfants F.***s E.veryone) was a rude and straight forward expression that hatred inflected on other only brings about more hatred.  Instead we should change and open our arms to love, leave hatred aside and end the violence.

Both Tupac & DJ Shadow speak of truth, they never saw or see themselves as a the main figure, but only a figure to meaning that is behind the music.  The first song was a good way to express himself and his ideals.

Phil the constant cave.

Phil becomes trapped in the same day over and over again because he, at first, failed to see that his shadow was trapping him and that in order to escape, his supposed hell redo, he needs to change.  He needs to change from being the asshole and always thinking about himself and highly about himself, to thinking about others first instead.  At first he falls for his shadow, his egotistical self, and chooses to take advantage of repeating the day to day events for his own benefit.  To be honest, if I was trapped in the same situation as he was I would definitely take advantage of it probably not as bad as he did, as when he met Nancy, his ex-fiancé.   

As soon as he starts to realize that it then becomes hell and just too much to handle, he choose to end his life however he can.  That is his escape, he chooses not to go back to being chained or egotistical asshole, his suffering was his passage through the tunnel, his hits on the head, scratches, scraped on the knees.  It the nature of the cave changes depending on what it is that the person is trying to escape.   The suffering that we endure can either be directly on us or it can be on others that cause to push closer towards the light.  As when Phil  met the old man who died, no matter what he did, how happy he made the old man he was destined to die and that caused him pain not being able to do anything about showed him he is not as big or as important as he thought he was. 

Phil being aware of his situation fits to what the prisoner in the escaping the cave, he knew where he was but not why he was going there.  The prisoner, just as Phil took the time to enjoy their time and freedom but then suffered.  They both knew that eventually they would need to reach the light but never knew what they would see once they got there.  The closer they both go to the light they began, the prisoner hear and Phil see things in a different way.  They opened their mind sub-consciously to see what was wrong with their world and how they could change and live a better life.